Setting Healthy Boundaries

“Let your yes be simply yes, and your no be simply no; anything more than that comes from the evil one." - Matthew 3:7

"But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil" - Proverbs 1:33.

In order to dwell in safety, you must first learn how to live with boundaries. A safe place is established by boundaries. People who have never learned how to set boundaries will find themselves in unsafe places being hurt over and over by unsafe people. You must first learn to identify where the safe boundaries are and live inside them.

Webster’s Dictionary: bound·ary- something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

Results of a Lack of Boundaries

The most destructive result of a lack of boundaries is physical and emotional abuse. As an adult, a person who has not learned how to set healthy boundaries will be repeatedly controlled and even injured by others. People learn they can take advantage of you if your “no” doesn’t mean “no.”

Establishing Boundaries 

People who grow up in physically or emotionally abusive homes are more likely to fall into abusive relationships as adults. If the “don’t talk” rule was practiced in the home and the abuse was not addressed the child will grow up feeling guilty, (this is false guilt). As an adult they may be drawn to abusive relationships and remain in these relationships out of false guilt or shame. A person with false guilt is always apologizing thinking everything is their fault.

 

When do you set boundaries?

 

·       When another persons actions are hurting you

·       Another person continues to violate you

·       Another person does not respect you

 

Accountability in Setting Healthy Boundaries

A person that has lived with little or no boundaries will need accountability to establish and keep boundaries. When one acquires a TBI, this skill of establishing boundaries often times needs to be re-learned or re-gained and the need for accountability in this area increases as social interactions and knowing how to relate to people can difficult for a TBI Survivor. Having and learning how to set healthy boundaries will help protect your TBI survivor from being taken advantage of and can prevent them from getting into unhealthy relationships. As a family member or caregiver of your TBI Survivor, you can help by setting the example of what a healthy boundary looks like.

This article was written collaboratively by Denise Boggs and Jessica Felix Jager, MSW